J.R.S.T.

There are so many things that I really want to share here. It's been so hard to just stay faithful in the middle of your struggle to question the purpose of your life before God. I've been questioning this for the past 5 months. Start when God took someone precious in my life. 3 months before I lost my mom, I met someone and I believe what she just said has come from the holy spirit. She asked me "How if God took away your mom? are you ready for that? Do you still love Him?" at that time I said, "I don't know". She explained that our God is a jealous God loh. He really doesn't want everything (including family) took His place away in your heart, your whole life. He can take away everything in your life which means He can take your favorite things, your loved one, even your family.  gak terima dong pas dikasih tau gitu? apaan sih nih orang tiba-tiba ngomong kek gitu? gue kan emang sayang banget sama keluarga. Salah gitu? gue sadar akan hal itu, kal...

It's been a year not posting anything here. So I'll come with the new story of my life journey as a child, person, Rachel, student, and teacher. The last year in my life had taught me so much life value. I become so scared of losing something since my mom always said that she was sick. I'm scared because something might happen anytime.  also at the same time, I feel insecure with my own self. I become a chief mentor for 7 mentors and 14 mentees. Must taking care of them while I do not take really good care for my own mental health.  I really feel lonely even before my mom was passed away. feel like I want to have someone to talk to every time I need him. To share ideas, share burdens, share stories, being loved and to love. I also hope that my mom will get healthier than before. Time run so fast. 8 April 2019 was my last birthday with my mom. What a privilege of 21 years being her child. I never thought that I will spend my one month holiday in the hospital taking care o...

gue pernah bilang di post-an gue sebelumnya kalau blog ini adalah tempat terakhir gue untuk mencurahkan segala isi hati gue yang sulit tersampaikan ke orang lain. bukan karena segan berbicara dengan orang lain. rasa tidak berharga dan rasa gak penting itu terlalu kuat dalam diri. sehingga otak ini pun secara otomatis berpikir bahwa tidak usah cerita ke orang lain, teman satu grupmu saja tidak notice kamu. gue seneng belajar tentang psikologi diri tapi cukup dibagian perkenalan aja, part2 detailnya gak sanggup hehe. TERNYATA, hal sekecil atau tersepele apapun itu dapat mempengaruhi seseorang. 1 kata itu dapat mematikan atau mungkin menghidupkan kepercayaan diri orang, tidak ada responpun dapat menenggelamkan niat seseorang. semua tergantung kita menyikapi hal-hal ini ketika sesungguhnya kita sudah paham tentang hal - hal ini. sesungguhnya semua hal didunia ini saling berkaitan. Hanya saja sering kita tidak melihat benang merahnya. yang mungkin 99% dari kita itu menutup mata akan keha...

yeah.. before this post, I've ever post something and I ask you (or myself) about which one do you prefer start to change or stay silent ? I chose to start. I met him, I talked with him about everything that I want to say to him. He is listening nicely and give his opinion. we solve it together. solve fear in ourself. awalnya emang awkward, secara 2 tahun ga ketemu, terakhir ketemu baik-baik aja (Pelukan malah). tapi ditengah we lost each other. setelah ketemu lagi tuh awalnya gue bingung mau ngomong apa.. gue bahkan butuh 10 menit buat mulai ngomong, padahal gue udh susun kata2 dari hari sebelumnya. but I saw him, BLANK wkwkwk tapi akhirnya gue beranikan diri untuk mengutarakan kegelisahan dan ketakutan gue. sebenernya bisa aja kalo kita tetep diam dan berpura2 seolah-olah gak ada yang terjadi. BISA BANGET. tapi namanya hati  nurani, gak bisa tenang kalo belum kelar. di malam itu perbincangan cukup awkward itu, akhirnya kami berhasil meluruskan semua masalah. (sebenernya ky...

actually this is a random text of mine. I just want to tell you what is in my mind. should I start first ? if you were me would you start first ? in a condition that you both are victim of what you both decided to do. which one do you prefer? wait for the right time, or start the change ? may be some of you asking what kind of victim ? I'll tell you, we are victim of our personal mistake. some people might say "Best Mistake" Yes. and I am still struggling with this one. although it's been 2 years we're both seperated and did not make a chance to meet each other. it still hard to know that I have a dark past. 2 years without a very close chat, still make me feel worry. worry about everything. I thought that it's enough if only me who keep this secret. but, honestly I can not keep the secret alone. I have to deal with him first, trying to forget everything we used to be. then it will be easier for me to starta new page of my life with someone ne...

Makhluk sosial. itulah salah satu sifat manusia. saling membutuhkan satu sama lain. namun hal ini bukan berarti bahwa mereka cocok satu sama lain. tidak ada satu hal pun yang dapat menjamin bahwa kalian cocok satu sama lain. apapun hubungan kalian, baik sahabat, teman, pacar. tidak ada jaminannya bahwa kalian adalah cocok. ada yang bilang bila si A memiliki kekurangan maka si B lah pelengkapnya. Namun, tidak ada yang benar - benar dapat menjadi pelengkap kekurangan kalau bukan sang pemberi kehidupan. banyak hal yang saya hadapi dalam hidup saya. banyak orang yang telah saya temui sejak saya kecil. bahkan mungkin sampai saya lupa sudah berapa orang yang saya temui selam 20 tahun saya hidup. saya punya banyak teman. ada yang memang benar teman, ada pula yang (bukan) Teman. semua berawal dari kecocokan. sampai akhirnya berubah menjadi sebuah hal yang hanya menghasil profit bagi sekelompok tertentu. saya ini sering merasa bahwa saya tidak punya teman yang memang setia bersama saya dalam...